Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Setting the Record Straight 


Hi everybody! I’m SpongeBob SquarePants. Bwahahahahahahahaha!!! I just wanted to put something official-like in writing to “set the record straight”! Yep yep, see there’s been a few rumors going around that I’m gay - and let me be the first to tell ya, it’s true! I’m happy allllllll the time! Happy happy happy I’m happy all the time! The Smurfs had to go through the same rumors years ago, and they told me the best thing I could do is “GOOOOO Public” So - here I am! I have my best friend Patrick, a super-duper boss Mr. Krabs, a really smart coworker Squidward, and go home everyday to my pet snail, Gary! *Meow* What more can a guy want!!

But there’s more to it than that. See - it all started when another reeeeally nice and happy guy named Dr. James Dobson was talking to a bunch of important people in suits at a super-big government get-together, and he said he was worried about a music video that was coming out to a school near you! Not only was I in this video, but all my friends like Barney the Dinosaur, the Muppets, Dora the Explorer, Bob the Builder, Winnie the Pooh, and many other of my ol’ cartoon pals! We were all told to sing a song called “We are Family”, and that was fun fun fun! Anything I can do to help first grade kids is Okaydokey, and we all got lots of help from people who worked for big company's with lots and lots of capital letters, like GLAAD [Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation], GLSEN [Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network], HRC [Human Rights Campaign], PFLAG [Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays], and the “National Gay and Lesbian Taskforce”. Whatever they do, it sounds really really official. Bwahahahahahahahaha!!!

But here’s the tricky part, the “We are Family” people didn’t tell us about some of these papers they were going to send to the teachers along with the video. These papers are called “School lesson plans” and in those plans were sneaky, tricky questions the teachers were supposed to ask kids in the first and second grades:
1. Do you know of any people in your school whose sexual orientation differs from yours?

2. How do you know?

3. Are you comfortable with that person or those people?

4. What are some factors that might encourage or discourage a person about being ‘out’ as homosexual or bisexual in this class or school?
I'm so confused, those are hard questions! I suuuure would hate to be those kids! Now James Dobson was talking about those hard questions, and the companies with the capital letters when all of a sudden WHAMO! All these “We are Family” internet pages that talked about gay happy people began disappearing one by one Poof! Poof Poof! Nothing here about gay happy people! Sorry, look someplace else! Well when newspaper people found out about the whole thing, they didn’t know what the big deal was and just thought James Dobson was angry about ME Spongbob! I was hurt, I was shamed, I was wronged. They said he thought I was tooooo happy! Of course! Bwahahahahahahahaha!!! I was so confused.

Well, he wrote a nice loooong letter to me, and said he really did like me after all. In fact, he has an internet page too, that put everything back into a nice happy explanation, and you can read that here, now I can’t wait to tell all my friends about how children can learn about being happy by watching this video, but hopefully more and more of the little guys can answer alllll those really really confusing questions so they’ll become super smart, just like Squidward!


# posted by Michael Gallaugher @ Tuesday, February 01, 2005
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I devote the work of this Web Log to the true living LORD God, and to His Son, Jesus Christ. May the blessing of God's hand be upon it that it might be a light in a dark place.